So what do you do when the one person you love more than life does not have the capability to love you back? What do you do when you need someone to console you, and you need to be picked back up, and they can't? Maybe just simply don't know how. What do you do when you have to spend 10 minutes on the public restroom floor, crying, because of all of these things. God help me, I don't know. And all I can do is think, because I can't talk to him about it anymore - I wont. And I have no one else. And even now, after ten minutes of crying, I am close to tears again. Tell me, what do I do now?

He tells me now that I need to help myself. I take that to mean that he's done with it. And in all, I can't blame him. He's dealt with it for over a year now. Why should he have to continue to deal with it? And then a second thought flits through my mind - if he broke a promise, why can't I? Why shouldn't I go outside right now and smoke a cig? Why? Because I love him too much to do that too him. It would kill me to hurt him that badly. And it's a hurtful though to myself as well, eve without the prospect of doing it.

Now I'm afraid to talk to him. So I have you. I'm almost sure he's forgotten about you. At least I hope. What an embarrassment to find he hasn't. What would it be to have him check this very post? Please, if it does happen, let it be at a much later date.

I want to be together forever. I know that sounds adolescent and childish. But I do. I want to take care of him when his mind goes. I want to be there for him for whatever he needs. But I think he does not want this towards me. I think he may not be capable of it either. Does that sound superior? I hope not.

He sits next to me now, though he can't see the screen. He's preoccupied. I doubt he even noticed that I left and came back. Our last words weren't nice. And I don't know how to reconcile, because I'm drowning in a sea of thoughts he would not like. Thoughts he doesn't want to hear. Like how close a BB gun would come to being fatal. Maybe it's cruel to put that here. But I have nothing else now.

I'll still speak to him. But not about my turmoil. Not about my storms. He's dealt with enough from me on that. But then I worry about our relationship becoming superficial. Will my hiding from him hurt us? And if so, how badly? Maybe not something to tempt. Maybe not something to think.

I want to go back to the bathroom again. Cry for another ten minutes. Maybe twenty. Hide in there until it's time to go to work. I wonder - would he worry? Maybe that's selfish to wonder.

Sometimes I don't think he cares at all. Sometimes I think he wants to be rid of me. He tells me I'm wrong, and that he loves me. He tells me he is attracted to me. But I don't know what to believe now. He tells me this, and then tells me to deal with my own problems. No. He didn't use those words. But the meaning was implied.

Now I'm stuck here, in uncomfortable silence (at least on my side) while he happily types to his internet friends. He finds new ways to amuse his time. And I feel so unwanted. I feel like a third wheel, and I'm only the second.

And I can't help certain thoughts lately. I'm afraid of them. I can't tell him. I can't tell anyone. For fear of someone I know reading this, I can't even say it here. I'm stuck in my own head, and all I want is out. I want out of this life. I just want to stay with him as well. I know I can't have both. So I choose hell, even though I would love to be out of it, for him. And I'll cry in bathrooms away from him for as long as it takes. Maybe if I get real good, I can hide all of it from him. He only needs to know about the good times. We only need to have good times. I know that's how happy relationships should be. But I also know that communication is required. So how do you communicate, and not at the same time?

I'm mainly here, typing to you because I cant type to him. And who knows - maybe he will rad it some day. But not today. Not while I'm in it. He wont know when it matters. And I guess that matters. I guess.

I want to be part of him. I want to be able to share everything. But he reprimands me, and makes insensitive remarks meant to be advisory. And he says he does it because he cares. And I guess I believe him. But it still hurts. How can something that's done out of care hurt? How can it be that very thing that makes you resent the 'help'. Maybe I do need medication.

As he would say, that would be 'acting like I'm in a movie'. I think. I'm starting not to care. We bicker a lot now. I'm worried about it. And I can't even bring these worries up, because he'll refute it immediately, making me feel stupid for bringing it up in the first place. I'm tired of that. And at the same time I need it. Maybe there's something about me that makes it easy to put me down without knowing it. Maybe something morbid and masochistic about me needs that. As far as I can remember, it's all I've known.

Hour and a half until I leave for work. And then my life gets easier for a few hours. Then I come home, and try to be happy, but I'm not. I feel like the few people that would care if I disappeared wouldn't even realize I'd gone for a while.

I feel so alone.

So the first time it was a possibility of meeting the mother (boyfriend's), I was half excited, half scared. Well last night, I listened in on a conversation between them. Not the best of ideas based on some of the things I heard, but that's not the point. After, I got sad about what I had heard, and me and Kaz talked. Less than 20 minutes later, his mother called again. She did not know I was there. She told him that she realized that she didn't know anything about me, and that she wanted to meet me. Now, because of this, she is making a four hour trip down here, just to meet me and get to know me, and then a four hour trip back.

I'm freaking out. It wasn't bad before, because the trip wasn't because of ME..... now.... it is. And I feel bad, because that's a lot of gas, and I'm worried what she'll think of me. And what's worse, she wants Kaz to go back to Portland, and it's possible this trip is also to assess whether or not he has a reason to stay (me). I'm scared shitless. Honestly, I had a hard time sleeping last night because of all of the possible conversations that could happen. She could ask me where I plan to go next, and I don't know, because it's mostly up to Kaz. Either he follows me to Reno, or I follow him to Portland. But I can't tell her that.... she doesn't even know how long we've been together, or how her son feels about me. And I can't shake the feeling that she's only coming to figure out if Kaz is wasting time down here.

I know that I should have nothing to worry about if I'm just me, but that's the problem. I hate me. What's to say she wont too?! I guess I'm just afraid that she wont like me, and that she'll try to take Kaz back with her on Thursday/Friday. I really don't know what to do here. And what's worse is that I don't have a counselor to talk to about it. I have Kaz, yes, but he's in the middle. I mean, it's his mother. And he can say over and over that he doesn't care what I think of her, but I know it puts him in a weird position.It must. What if we start to get along great? Well that's a problem too because he doesn't much like her. And if she hates me? That also a problem because if anything happens between us, that whole side of the family would hate me.

I have so many weird thought about this running through my head that I don't know how to separate them anymore. And I know Kaz will read this. All I have to say about that is I'm sorry. I'm afraid to talk to you about it, because as much as you say it doesn't, I feel it has to put you in the middle, and that's not fair.

...It's freezing in this computer lab. My fingers aren't working anymore. I'm logging off.

You know, I am so tired of the few small things I do good being overlooked. For two years now, I've been he smartest person in my Music Theory class. And I don't mean to sound rude, but it's true. And for two years now, Ive not been recognized for anything. All the shit we do is so easy I could do it sleeping, and the other dim-witted morons have struggled and struggled to grasp concepts that come easy to me. And I've tried to help. Tried to make it easier, help them see it the way I do. If I'm not told to stop directly by the teacher, then I'm yelled at by the person I'm trying to help. And I know i should be the bigger person, get over it, and hold my head high knowing I'll pass. But when they get awards for being outstanding student, and they're fucking stupid is when I get annoyed.

I'm not saying they didn't deserve those awards. Maybe they did. But I also have at least a 3.0 GPA, and I've help next to perfect grades in his classes. I also know that only one person reads this, and he'll most likely think I'm being a selfish cow, but right now I don't care. It's simply not fair that all of this comes so easy, and I'm the one in the background. The nobody.

I'm not saying that the people in my class are horrid, or that they're bad people. They're great, wonderful people. But I know that I'm better than them in this particular field, and that's not been recognized ever.

I'm still pissed, and I want to rant, but I'm starting to feel like a bad person myself for what I want to say. Leaving now.

You know, I hate to sound so selfish and mopey, but I really think I'm taken for granted by 99% of people. Family included. I would say the only person who doesn't fit in this is Kaz. But after working my ass of, and getting no where, I'm ready to give up. His support is immense, and I don't know where I'd be without him.

But that's not what I came to talk about. I went to an awards ceremony last night with him. I knew he was getting an award. I was hoping I would too, and that I'd just missed the notification. Unfortunately not. Both Kaz and another member of his class got awards. I don't care about that, other than to be happy for him. However, there are only four people in my majoring class. Two of them got awards for being outstanding, and one is in the center of everyone's hearts as the best soprano at the college. So where does that leave me? I know it's rude to boast, but I'm smarter than all three of them. I get better grades in Theory, and Ear Training, and I still come in last. Kaz tells me it could be because they're happier and friendlier than I am. But that shouldn't have any weight. I'm here to go to school, not necessarily make friends, even though that would be nice too.

I've never had friends. I'm used to that. But I still try to be nice. But apparently that doesn't matter either, because I'm seen as harsh and abrasive. So I'm honestly stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I'll I've got is a drill bit. It's either stop working as hard at getting good grades, and work more at pandering and kissing people's asses in order to get them to like me, or say fuck them, get into my work, and become more of the 'bitch'. I spent all last night crying not only because of this, but other things as well.

I don't understand how someone can be so uncared for. I know Kaz loves me, and maybe some of my family members, but really, that's it. I could die, and they'd be the only ones who cared, I'm sure (Though Kaz tells me different). And with all of this hitting me, I feel like I'll never make it doing anything, because I need to be bright and cheery. I mean really, is there no where for a pessimist now a days?

I never wanted to be the whimpering baby crying about now being loved, but really, I think I'm there. I just want to be thought of.... cared for.... called once in a while. Asked to go somewhere, even if I know my schedule is far too full for that. Why wont anyone make the effort? Am I that worthless, that no one even wants to take the courtesy time? They no I'll have to decline, but why not make me feel at least semi-wanted?

This post must seem highly emo and selfish, but it's either rant here or more into Kaz's ear, and I know he's getting sick of it. He cares so much, and he wants to make me happy, but I know my mood swings get to him. Make it hard on him. I would give anything to have it any other way, but I don't want to take pills. I'm afraid of them. I just want to be happy with who I am, and not care what people think, but I can't seem to find a way to do that. Everytime I try, I forget and move back into my old ways.

Time to end this blather.

This weekend has both been the best and partially worst at the same time. I got to spend some more time with Kaz (who didn't expect that one), and we came to better understanding with each other as well. How we reached that was the hard part, and that is all I will say here on the matter. Suffice to say that I know now how much he means to me, and what I would do for him if needed. I know all of this sounds vague, but right now that's probably for the better.

I'm stuck with all these thoughts and feelings inside that I can't tell anyone for fear of embarrassment, or reaction, and I would like to seriously keep a journal, but every time I start one I look back and realize how self centered and mopey and stupid any of my posts are. I've already come close to deleting this one many times. And it's not that I want to delete it, it's that I don't want to be reminded of irrational moments, or stupid thoughts, or even worse, forgotten emotions.

I don't want to post another meaningless post about how enamored with the boyfriend I am, but I can't lie when I say he pretty much dominates me right now. And that's not in a bad way. He doesn't force me into anything. Everything is very mutual and very talked about and very perfect. And I know that sound cliche, but there is no other way for me to explain it. And you wouldn't understand anyway because of perspective.

I know I've said this before, but I really think I hate my parents. And I feel ad for it. I love them, and I want to love them. But sometimes I can't help but notice things in them I absolutely hate. They're both so simple minded. They never think of consequences, if they can even think of two sides to an argument. My mother hasn't stopped talking shit about Obama since he was elected, and my father is a mindless robot repeating everything my mother says. Then when I bring this facts up, he gets all butt hurt and individualistic on me. Then he brings up our bond, and the fact that it's now stronger than my bond with my mother. It's all so terribly predictable. And I haven't had a conversation stay peaceful with my mother for more than 10 minutes in months. She just irritates the shit out of me, with all her selfishness, and he demands. But really, she's hardly been out of bed in months, she packs her face full of shit food, and has the balls to tell us she doesn't feel good and she CAN'T do this or that. Then get the fuck out of bed.

I didn't mean for this to be a rant post.....

There are so many more things in my head about Kaz right now. I miss him, and we just parted. I love him... more than I can find words for. And as scary as this sentence is to me for past experience, I need him. I don't know what I would do without him now, even for short periods. I think I could go a couple of days, but more than three and I would start to lose it. There's something weird about us........ we keep each other balanced, so to speak.

I guess I should go before I end up typing all the words in my head.

Parting quote -

"I just wanna make your milkshake." - Anonymous

Wow. Has it been forever or what since my last post. I mean, I'm not even sure why I post here, considering I'm really the only one that reads it, but still. I suppose it's because of the off chance that maybe I'll either gain further insight to myself after posting, or that someone may actually be interested enough in my bland life to read my ramblings.

So. The past few weeks have been crazy. Over Spring Break, Kaz had to go back to Portland to get his wisdom teeth taken out. Low and behold, he didn't need them taken out yet, so he had to go up there for nothing. He ended up coming back half-way through the trip. Then, my brother and two sisters came down at the same time as the beginning of Spring Break as well. Except that story is full of drama. I was labeled a bitch for not spending any time with anyone, even though I was too busy baby-sitting the two kids, and trying to split the rest of my time between my sister, whom I barely saw, and my brother, whom I barely saw, and Kaz, who was leaving the same day as them. They also talked shit about my mother for not getting out of bed. And while I agree, to an extent, she is still sick, and she can't be out of bed for too long without getting nauseated and dizzy, not to mention her ankles growing to three times their size. Then my brother threw a massive fit because his dogs are the devils, and we wont let them sleep in the open house and tear everything up. They were allowed to stay in one room, either with my brother and sister, or alone. He got pissy, saying that he wasted his 500$ to come up here. Well, quite frankly, you didn't come up here for us to being with, did you?

That brings me to my grandmother, the bitch of bitches. Not only has the woman called me her diseased grandchild because I have psoriasis, but she can't stand the thought of me touching anything of hers because I could break it or infest it with my skin malfunction. Dude fuck her. But the problem we had this time was he fact that she had just gotten out of the hospital, and she refused any help, even though she had just had massive surgery. She sped out of the car, made her own dinner, got dress, did her hair, and then complained that we weren't doing anything to help. She started bitching to the rest of the family, and the next thing we know, the fam is up from Reno to save the world. Right. Apparently no matter what we say about the situation, trying to make it clear to them, we're still liars. Ok. fuck them.

Past that. Kaz really is the best man alive. He doesn't even consider himself a 'man', but screw that, because I do. In fact, he'll be back any second, so I should make this quick :P
I know I talk about him a lot on here, but I can't help it. He's is one of the biggest parts of my life currently, if not the biggest. I can't help but state how much I love him over and over.

Anyway, I guess the real reason I came here was to say that I'm becoming more and more annoyed with my parents, and it's not even for a good reason. I like to consider myself an intellectual person. The only problem is, I had previously thought that they were also. Unfortunately, the more time I spend with the two of them, the more annoyed I get due to stupid comments, and simplistic thinking. Reinstated facts, etcetera. Anyway, Kaz is here. Gotta go.

So after the past few weeks of being sick to the point of uncontrolable vomiting, extreme pain in my joints, and bronchitis, I went to my speech class tonight, which is only held once a week. Last week, I had been out with the tail end of the worst sickness of my life. We had speeches to give. We were doing readings of poetry and prose. So he sent me an email with 'all' the requirements for the speech that night.

Unfortunately, that was not the case. After preparing a speech that I thought would be good, if a little long, I get there to find that everyone else is dong readings either from a book or play/movie. Speeches from them. I had merely put together a set of poetry for a presentation. Oopsie me. I'll get docked for it anyway.

And not only that, but he totally cut me off. We had a 6 to 8 minute limit. That's cool. Usually, for the past 10 weeks, it had been 5 to 7. But no one seemed to be able to stay within that limit, always going over. One girl went to 10 minutes. She was never cut off. My speech would have been at 10 minutes, over the limit, I know. And I would have been fine with just the docked points, because I knew that's what would happen anyway. But at exactly nine minutes, he stopped me and asked me to step off the 'stage'. (Sort of, there really is no stage).....

Another girl went over nine minutes. She was not cut off. Also, my boyfriend is not very serious when it comes to anything, so two weeks ago, during a persuasive speech, he did why you should not buy toast stampers. I thought it was amusing and interesting, a good speech. The teacher however, did not. He told this to him before he gave his speech. His words were that it was ridiculous, and not a worthy topic for a speech. I thought that to be rude and unnecessary, especially right before his speech.

I had initially thought this teacher to be somewhat decent and cool although I thought he was gay at first. Now I simply find him to be a prick.

:::: To those of you who actually read my journal, and those whom I read, sorry for the long absence. I really hate being sick, and I honestly felt I had nothing interesting to say.

So. I;m sick. Too tired and drained to say anything else. Will explain more later on.

This is so unfair. Why do women have so many social images forced upon them? You're a pig if you have big thighs, and a heifer if you're more than ten pounds overweight. It's just not fair. So what if I'm not little miss anorexic. Fuck you. I don't like to work out.

But there's my problem. I get plenty of exercise. Plenty. Not only do I walk my ass off at this fucking college, but I work at McDonalds, and rarely if ever eat there. Anyone who's ever worked in fast food knows how much exercise is involved. But I still don't lose weight. If anything, I gain it. And fuck the pill too. Womens worst enemy.

Yeah, I'm pissed. I would give my soul, honestly, to be an attractive person. And I feel so incredibly shallow for that it's not even funny. Yeah, I have a boyfriend who claims he likes what he has, but I know he'd be happier if I weren't Five foot tall and almost 140 pounds. Ugh

FUCK

So, I'm sitting here in the computer lab at the college wondering why I bother to come here. I mean, a lot of what is said in class I already have figured out, and I know what assignments I have due and when. The only reason I bother going to class is for the attendance points, which I find semi-pointless in college anyway. I mean, I understand that you have to be there to learn, but if you already understand, why is your grade based on attendance? I think they should be based solely on understanding of material and progress. However, I guess that's what they make online classes for.

I had to clean up shit last night at work. I work at McDonalds. Yep. Let that jaw hit the floor. And the poo wasn't even in a bathroom. Apparently, some bitch woman let her kid's diaper get full without doing anything about it. That kid's diaper overflowed onto the leather bar stool. It sunk in. Luckily I have a good enough nose to have noticed it across the restaurant. The only problem was that nothing helped. I tried spraying sanitizer, windex, and even bleach solution on it. After thirty minutes of cleaning, it still smelled like shit. Totally retarded. But at least I got a free flurry for it. Although I admit, that in no way covers it.

Anyway, I'm starting to run out of things to say. The main reason I came to post is because I worry about Kaz all the time. Sometimes he seems like he's not all that interested. Other times he seems enamored. Is this just natural, or do I have something to partially worry about? God help me if he reads my journal......

The last few days have been very hectic. I tried posting what was going on a few days ago, but the stress was still resting heavily on top of me, so as you can imagine, I was unsuccessful.

My grandmother went in for a colonoscopy a few days ago. She is 85. There shouls have been no reason to go in in the first place, but the doctors up here are all incredibly retarded, so one was scheduled anyway. She went in, and within one hour of the operation, the fucktard managed to puncture a hole in her intestine. Wonderful. She was immediately rushed to the hospital a few blocks over. After sending seven hours in emergency surgery, she was released to the ICU, where after doing ok for about an hour, they moved her to recovery. WAY TOO SOON, especially for someone her age.

Five hours later, she was right back in the ICU because of heart issues. It was beating way too fast, and they became worried of a possible heart failure. Anyway, after moving her yet again (This makes four), she was left alone. When me and my father finally got there, she was delirious, didn't know who we were. Her mind was giving her memories of twenty years ago, thinking my mother was still married to her ex husband, and not really sure who my father was.

They moved her again. While she was delirious. Which, in effect, resulted in a lot of yelling and screaming from my grandmother about not wanting to be moved, that they were going to kill her there, and that we needed the cops. The cops from Reno. We are in Oregon. She also attempted to rip her finger nails out by holding onto the door jam that we were trying to push her through.

The rest of the night was also filled with wonder. The bitch ass nurses seem incapable of passing information on to each other, so each time the shift changed over, we had to explain the entire situation over again. They didn't even know that she'd had surgery or why she was in the hospital. One moron was bad enough to give her something to drink, when she is on a no food or drink diet at the moment. She had just had one foot of intestine cut out, and no one in the fucking building knew that. Apparently, charts no longer exist.

Anyway, one nurse in particular, a fifty-year old bitch with short short silver, blue, and pink hair, got snippy. Started to try and tell us that only one member of the family was allowed to call the hospital, and that we needed to notify our family of this. And also that she was sorry if gramma didn't have her undivided attention, but that she had other patients in crisis. BITCH, go deal with them. Find us someone who has the attention span we need, because believe it or not, this is a crisis too. Dumb cunt.

Anyway, when my brother tried to call and find out what was going on, they were so rude and belligerent to him that he tried to get through to administration. To no avail. This also happened with my mother, who is incredibly pissed about the situation as well. After this whoile deal, and gramma regaining some form of lucidity, they made a nurse sit in with her through the night so that she wouldn't rip out anymore tubes.

The last straw was when they came in, waking her up every 45 minutes. She had just barely started to dose off and go to sleep, when they are coming in for another fucking chore for her. Breath in this, stand up, walk around, go pee, need more medicine. Schedule this shit and let her sleep, jesus.

The latest news today now is that they have her on sleeping pills, and a different medication so that she does not go loopy on us again. The day I heard, I was with my boyfriend. Great day. And he was so wonderful about it. He held me while I cried, and then basically dropped everything to go with me and make sure I would be ok. Ever since then, he's also been the most supportive, wonderful man I could ever ask for.

I guess that's really all I can think of that is going on in my life, considering the stress and outcome of it all. And no matter the outcome, I will end up suing that hospital, either for malpractice, or wrongful death if it comes to it. And the prick that did this, which was not her main doctor, has been no where to be found. No hide nor hair of him, and not even an apology. He'd better hope nothing else happens to her.

There's got to be something wrong with me. I'm posting this only because it says I haven't posted for two days. That's almost unacceptable to me, and I have no idea why. Anyway. This weekend is going to be so awesome. I get to spend two days with my boyfriend (I'm still at a loss for what to call him here....) , and then he's going to come here for the third night.

Not really anything to actually say yet. Sorry.

So. This post was originally going to be about the confusion involving Valentine's Day.... However, upon new discoveries, My mind is now elsewhere.

A little over ten years ago, my sister took me to the drive-in theater with a few of her friends. One of their cousins was there, named Tim. I don't remember what movie we saw, but neither of us were paying much attention anyway. I distinctly remember this being the first boy I made out with. We talked all night, and I was not happy at all when we left. I talked to him a couple of times after that, but he moved to Cali and I moved to Oregon, so we never saw each other again.

Tonight, I open up my myspace, and see a friend request and a message from this strange guy. I'm not sure who it is, but in the request log, it says that he knows me, and that we went on a sort of date a LONG time ago. Moving into my inbox, I get more info. He has no pictures, but from the information he gave me concerning that night, I know it's him. Which is totally weird because I think about him every once in a long while and wonder what happened to him. I never expected to hear from him again though, so now I'm a little thunderstruck that he remember my name. Especially from like ten years ago.

On a brighter note, I'm playing match-maker again. Two friends of mine like each other. They (at least one of them) don't know they like each other. I so plan to change that. See, neither of them think of themselves as being 'relationship worth', which I think is stupid because they actually are a lot alike. The only problem is, they have to be compatible. So I'm trying to set up a date for them to figure that out without it seeming like it was set up. God I love myself when it involves relationships.

On that note, it's been five days without a cig. And It's all for Kaz. I don't think even I understand what I feel for this..... man/boy/guy. He's so perfect, and so caring and loving and considerate. He understands me, and I understand him. I've never felt like this before, which I know is corny and stupid, but it's completely true. I'm quitting for myself for him. People say you can't do it for anything but yourself. Well, I don't want to lose him. Bad enough that I'll quit for myself on that, but for him because he wants it. God that's convoluted. Anyway.... I think I know what I'm going to get for him for Valentine's Day, but because I'm so afraid if he reads this or not, knowing I read his, I'm not posting anything but that. I'm still going to hunt around for options though, even though it' so close.

Anyway, this post has now lost meaning. Will be back when new and interesting drama happens in the life of the midge.

Unfortunately, I'm here for bad news. I found a community here where a girl was selling the entire (16 so far) Anita Blake series by Laurell K Hamilton. Got totally psyched out. Found out she was also selling the Merry Gentry series (7 books so far), same author. Together, the price would have been 200$........ So AWESOME. That series is worth so much more. Anyway, a friend of hers made a better offer on the Anita Series, so I'm only getting the Merry Series. I'm thoroughly depressed, though the Merry series is wonderful too. It's just that Anita is better and I wanted it so bad.

Anyway, if any poor unfortunate souls happen to read this, please let me know if there's another deal on the Anita Blake series of books.

Do you ever feel like sometimes your brain is split in two? Like part of you is seriously depressed, and all you want to do is cry, but the other part is like 'Fuck yeah, life!'...... This is not fun. I feel schizophrenic..... And at the same time, I'm not starting to realize what my boyfriend goes through all the time, and my only wish is to help him stay grounded and whole, not broken into three different selves. I know this is a fruitless wish, but I can't help feeling it.

You see, some days I can't seem to pull myself out of the rut. All I want to do is cuddle up with K and sleep the week away. Other days, I have too much energy to do anything with, and I can't seem to slow down. I don't understand why life can't just be even. I would be perfectly happy feeling only one, good emotion for the rest of my life if it meant being even. And then I have these self-worries, like why am I not popular, why am I still fat? How can I fix this? Why does no one really like me enough to remember/consider me. Doesn't exactly seem fair. And then I have people lying to me, and leading me on at every step, like Alex, and fuck them. Life is hard enough as it is, without some ass hole making it even more difficult.

I guess I'm just kind of lost in life right now. I've been forced into getting a Bachelors degree in music, when what I wanted to do was move into art after this college. But unfortunately, the college has different plans for me. So now what to do? The only thing that happens at my house anymore is bickering and arguing, and college life is starting to dwindle for me. I honestly believe that the only good thing going on in my life right now is K. And Now I'm starting to worry about him, because he seems down as well. Only I'm confused as to why, and there doesn't appear to be anything I can do to help. I think I would sell my soul to keep him happy.........

Anyway, I'm getting tired of bitching to an inanimate object, especially when no one comments. But I guess it makes it more like a real journal then, because no one can post comments on a hard copy, can they? I'm also considering starting another journal on here, but specifically for dreams. I don't seem to have enough at the moment, but hopefully soon that will change. This may just require me to remember dreams/ have them in the first place though.

Starving. Out.

....Only because I feel the need to apologize for the last post. God, even online I'm an idiot....

So after being dis-allowed to read Kaz's LJ, and then being allowed to but not to comment, I'm exhausted. I read ....(Counts).... something like five years worth of posts in two nights. I know more about my boyfriend now, but at the same time, I'm so tired I can hardly think. Reading his history has been interesting, but horrendously long.

On another sappy note, I'm still incredi-happy over him. I mean, I can't help my insecurities over the whole "what if he hurts me too" thing, but I'm starting to cope with them. Which means they don't dominate me anymore, and I'm becoming more trusting of him. But we still haven't passed the fated six month mark. Maybe when that happens I'll be fully trusting. But I still don't know. Knowing that he openly checks people out (Guy and girl, but that's not the point) gets to me, but then again I understand his reasoning. I guess it just doesn't really seem fair that he checks people out and I don't.......

....Oh how I hope he isn't reading this......

...And if you are, comment damnit. I haven't restricted you from that :P.

In other news, I'm considering quitting McDonald's even more now, because I've been cut back again to eight hours a week. And they have in the crew room that 'if you work hard, you'll get more hours'..... bull shit. I work my ass off, and I'm supposed to be the crew trainer. What the fuck.

It's been an exhausting day all around, for reasons I'm not exactly comfortable mentioning online, but there you go. Just consider it mental, emotional, and physical. Though I'm not sure why you'd be considering it at all. I'm reminded of a spot in his blog where he berates himself for talking to the computer. Well whatever, I do it too. Most likely a helluva lot more frequently too.

I'm thinking this is going to be a long one.....

I'm honestly starting to think that Alex doesn't like me very much. He really never talks to me, and when he does he's always smart-ass, short, and kind of mean. But whatever, he's a lying flake-out anyway. I mean, he skips class daily to smoke out and sell, and it just doesn't seem fair. How dumb do you have to be to flunk out of community college? Answer: pretty fucking dumb.

Honestly, and I'm sorry, but the only thing I can think about anymore is Kaz, which sounds stupid and corny, but it's true. And I don't want to waste more text babbling about how I could be with him forever and shit, so I think I'll cut it short with one more paragraph.

Love is awesome. I mean, he honestly makes me feel like a princess. He treats me wonderfully, and is so sweet and considerate. He calls himself an asshole sometimes, but I really don't see it. We took a picture a bit ago that I love, but he doesn't like because he says he looks 'retarded' in it. I'm assuming this also means he wont let me post it anywhere, even though I'm totally dying to. The fact that no one is ever going to look at it means nothing. I just want the fact that he's mine out there. Now how stupid does that sound.

I'm honestly surprised that he doesn't mind my possessiveness, territorial-ey-ness (Hmm), or jealousy. (So much for one more paragraph)... He's truly unique in that. And so far he says that I'm the one he wants. Which makes me feel wonderful, but then I've alwasy got the pessimist in the back of mind. She talks about how ugly I am, fat, and that he will eventually stop loving me, and that it will be my own fault, and it's what I deserve anyway.......

Wow. Sounds like her right about there. This post is getting longer than I anticipated. Anyway, my final thoughts on the matter are this: What are soul-mates? Do they exist? And if so, can they be temporary things? Do people have more than one soul mate, considering the amount of people on the planet. And if so, what are the odds that I've found one of mine? I know I know; stupid, corny, cheesy. But I can honestly say that I love him. I only hope it's not un-reciprocated, though from what I see in his face, it's not. God I hate being insecure.......

Once more I come to blathe. Unfortunately, about nothingness this time. This weekend I have two 6AM-2PM sifts. Kaz is kind enough to walk me to work at those wee hours of morning, but it's still not very fair. I've told them multiple times my availability, and still they refuse to fix the problem. I love my job, but I'm starting to consider getting either another one, or quitting if they can't give me the hours I need.

Sitting here next to Jennifer. I'm starting to think that if she puts her face much closer to that screen, she's not going to be able to see for much longer. Sad for her, amusing for me.

I hate being such a pessimist towards people, but I'm starting to think that it's inherent in our nature to be rude, unforgiving, and selfish. It just seems like so many people nowadays are stuck with their noses either in space or up someone else's ass. It makes it harder to get ahead in life when all anyone cares about is themselves, but I guess that is kind of the point of capitalism.

My rant has died. I'm am going.

So, I know it's been forever ago that I actually posted something, and I also know that no one in their right mind is going to read this crap, however I have to put what I'm feeling somewhere.

The last time I felt this happy and soothed by someone else's presence, I was ripped apart by him. Now, I'm here again, and fully trusting. Surprisingly, not a single part of me is afraid of him hurting me. And that is truly a wonderful feeling.

It's actually kind of hard to explain what he does to me. He makes me happy. I'm optimistic around him. I feel like there's nothing I have to worry about, nor did I ever have to. However, when we part, the weight of the world comes back down. I love him so much, and I just want to make him happy, but I don't know how, now what to do. He tells me he loves me for me, but I want to be perfect for him. I even went on a diet basically for him.

I'm also trying to stop smoking for him, but that doesn't seem too realistic anymore. They all tel me it has to be for me, and no one else, or it wont work. Well, I don't give to flying shits about myself, so why shouldn't quitting for him work out? Seems like if I want it enough, it should. But sometimes I forget, in the midst of so much stress, and light another. I haven't even been able to go a week without one. Which is completely unfair to him, because he thinks I'm doing so good. I don't want to disappoint him, but there are certain times when I just need a cig.

I guess during this post I should sometime give the skinny of what all has happened during the past three years. Well, from the last post with Jill, of which I was in Reno for, we no longer speak. And that means nothing to me anymore, for we have both moved on. When I got into Senior year of high school, I pretty much stopped talking to a lot of people. They didn't seem too interested in me, and I wasn't too interested in them anymore. Near the end of the year, because most of it was all the same, Knapp came and told me that I might not graduate if I didn't start putting effort into my British Classics class. I did what she asked, only because I like being the first in the family to complete high school in a while.

When I graduated, I quit working at the Fudge Factory, and got a job at Affiliated Computer Services (ACS. Getting into college wasn't too hard, after the summer, considering I had already auditioned for the scholarship. A few days after classes started, I met Robert.

I almost cringe at the thought of typing the history down, but I guess it deserves to be said. I went to Carolyn's house one day, because I hadn't seen her in a long time, and I somewhat missed her, even though we had never really been friends to begin with. Sam, now living with her and Tiger, introduced me to Robert. Within one week, we were dating.

To say that we moved fast was an understatement. After only a few weeks, he was kicked out of Carolyn's (As was everyone else), and then moved in with me, having no where else to go. He got a job at ACS with me, and all was good for a bit. Then a supervisor came up to me and told me that I had to choose between college and work as my main priority, because apparently I was lacking in the taking calls industry. According to her, ACS was more important than college, and I needed to understand that. So I quit.

After being hired at McDonalds, everything was good again for a bit. It was the best Christmas I had had in a long while, and I was falling in love with Robert. Things stayed the same for a bit, until Robert proposed. Sort of. He told me that he would love to marry me, and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. The fool that I was believed, and because euphoric. Unfortunately, less than a week later, he told me that he had been lying, and that he'd never loved me to begin with, that he wasn't paying rent, and he didn't care what happened to us.

I went down to Reno again, this time spending eights days smoking as much as I could, and drinking almost nothing but vodka the whole time. When I came back, I didn't care about life. My new college 'friends' told me it would all get better, and that I would be fine again. I hated them for that. I got heavy into work, and school, overloading both for the next few months, until it felt like I had gone numb. I barely noticed or cared when first year was over. Through the summer, all I did was read and work, sleep and drink. It honestly felt weird to be so numb for a while. Semi-refreshing. Then classes started again, and the North Bend McD was torn down, transferring a lot of people around. I went to Coos Bay.

One day, I was in a practice room playing when I got stuck. I was listening to someone in the next room play beautifully, so I went and asked for help. When I met Kaz. I didn't think anything of it then, but meeting him is as of now, the best thing that's happened to me. We were actually introduced when Sean took us to lunch, and a boy named Alex. We didn't talk much, but over the next few days, we started to become acquaintances.

One day, I went in to talk for a second, and ended up asking him on a date. Ever since, we've been together. And now, after three months, I feel like I'm in love again. God how I hope this works out. He's so perfect. Not only does he play the piano, he sings, and plays games, and we can actually have intelligent conversations. But my favorite thing about him is that he doesn't know what he does to me, or how much I love him.

I guess this post has gotten a little long, and the only thing I really wanted to get out was what I feel towards him. Maybe I'll keep up on this blog now, but who knows. I might have to renovate it again for that.

I guess I should have done this the night of the concert. But I was still freaking out. Part that, I don't know why I didn't post til now. So. On the 14th, My sister Andrea called at about seven at night. She told me to be dressed in ten minutes. I told her it simpy wasn't possible. My other sister, Ashley, already knew the 'secret'. So when Andrea told me it was a major surprise, and that I HAD to be dressed in ten minutes, my first thought was the concert. I looked at Ashley with an 'OMG' expression. She told me that Andrea was taking us to a very expensive dinner. My hopes were crushed. But that was fine.

So we get in the car. I wont stop bugging them about where we're going. Ahley finally turns to me and tells me that it would be about an hour before we got there anyway, so shut up. I did. I knew it was somewhere cool though.

When we showed up at Lawlor Events Center, I started crying. I was right about the concert after all. Nickelback and Chevelle. Two of my favorite bands. So we go inside. Just me and Ashley, because there were only two tickets. All I wanna do is get to me seat. I'm dying to find out where it is. May I remind you that this is my first concert. We walk the mile long rounded hall, before FINALLY coming to our door. It was packed inside. But the lights were still on. So we had time.

First, we went down the wrong staircase. Then we sat on the stairs for about five minutes, before deciding to go find our seats. So we walk all the way back up the stairs, and down the next staircase. When we started going down the stairs, the lights went out. I almost had a stroke right there. So we waited a beat for some lights to come on, then went down the stairs. When we got to ur seats, I was stunned. Second row, fairly close to the stage. I almost died. Chevelle was on first.

I couldn't tell you all the songs preformed if my life depended on it, so don't count on it. I was standing halfway through the second song. Headbanging, rocking out. Great concert. The lights were great, the guys were hot, everything rocked. So, then the intermission came. I figured that it was short, but it was my first concert, so it worked just fine. Especially for being these two bands.

When we came back with our drinks, I almost dropped mine. I saw thier big ass poster behind the stage. I'd had no clue Three Days Grace was going to be there. None. When I asked the woman next to me, she asked me where I'd been. Apparently, I'd missed the first band. FIRST BAND. I only knew about Chevelle and Nickelback. I missed a preformance by Hinder. Which sucks, because they're good. So all in all, I saw three of my favorite bands in one night.

After that FUCKING INCREDIBLE preformance, there was another intermission. Much much longer. Then the heartbeat started. Loud. Very loud. It got faster and faster, until the lights went out. Then it got even faster. When it stopped, there was a split second before the loudest explosion I've ever heard tried to break my ear-drums. The pyro-technics started, with a big fire-works show IN THE BUILDING. Then Nickelback came on, with Animal. Great song. From then on, I didn't sit. They sang for a long time. When they were done, the lights never came back on. I wasn't even trying to leave until they did.

I felt sorry for the people that had left when Nickelback came back on-stage. It was an Encour. And it was great. (And I really have to say that I have a newfound respect for Chad Kroeger)

When the lights came back on after another few songs, we left. And I cried almost the whole way home. I got two posters, and a Three Days Grace card. I really wish I'd gotten SOMETHING of Chevelle's, but hey. It's ok. I guess.

In all, I think I cried like ten times during that concert. And I decided that I wanted to be the one on stage. So, I'm going to do all I can to stay on stage all this year. When the free-song concert starts, I'm going to do as many songs as possible.

t was the best night of my life so far. All 17 years of it. My neck actually still hurts from my head-banging. I couldn't hear straight for two days.